Thoughts on Parenting

As a young single man, it may seem pretentious for me to have an opinion on parenting, but in fact I believe it would be irresponsible for me not to. 

I believe that every person's life choices will have enormous effects on their children (current or future), and their children's children. The more I look at terrible situations in our world, the more obvious it becomes that generational curses are all around us. I recently began to read The Children of God by Deborah Davis. It is the very insightful story of the origins of the cult into which I was born. I was struck by the story of the founder's parents. Seemingly harmless deception was magnified in each generation, culminating in the founder's son committing violent murder-suicide (as well of countless lives destroyed by the power of cult).

When I began to attend church (and get my life on track) I quickly began to notice healthy family units, and wondered what it was that set them apart. Not simply God or the church, as some 'good Christian parents' had 'rebellious' and 'wayward' children, and others had raised champions for God. I loved seeing parents in the church, with all of their kids in ministry. Such vibrant, healthy and nurturing relationships between parents and children.

While my views are necessarily tailored by my own experience, this learning journey has not had anything to do with my relationship with my parents or siblings. It is purely for the benefit of my future wife, children, and grandchildren. I am determined to leave a generational blessing in my wake. A great spiritual platform for my descendants to stand on.

To that end, let me share with you some of the principles and methods which I hope to employ. I must, however, stress that these points are simply a mark of perfection that I am striving for at the beginning of my journey. They are NOT intended to insult anyone who has followed a different path. I know that life gets messy. In spite of my cynicism, I obstinately chase perfection. 

Prior to birth

Kill your demons. If you don't, they will kill your children. My terminology is graphic for a purpose. This is the number one, most crucial point in the whole process. While you are still repressing all the crap you dealt with in your younger life, you are not fit to be a parent. I can strongly recommend Christian counselling for every person. Contact your local church, or if you live in Cairns / Townsville I can recommend some fantastic (and discreet) counsellors. The process is the most difficult you will ever go through, but also the most rewarding. You must be ruthless, in retrieving each memory, mindset, pain, and executing each one. This is critical for not only parenthood, but every deep relationship you will ever have.


Be Intentional. A stable family unit is one of the greatest gifts you can give your child. Before you have children, find a life partner and commit to them (marriage). Until then, for goodness sake, keep your pants ON. Take your time finding that person. Don't settle for anyone less than perfect. You are allowed to be picky. "Unwanted" children don't need to be told that they were an accident. They know.


Choose a Name. It is a travesty to invent a word that sounds nice, and use that as your child's identity. The meaning of a name is far more important that how it sounds, how often it is being used in your country at the time, etc. Take some time to consult good name dictionaries, including etymology, and before you make your final decision, be sure to check for other meanings in different languages. A name carries implicated identity. 

Young Children

Empowerment. If I hadn't already used "the most crucial point", I would assign that title to this. Far more important than teaching your child what they should do, or should not do, is teaching them that they are capable of doing anything. Constantly reinforce that fact. Give your child a superiority complex! (If you get the other points right, this shouldn't have the common bad side effects of bullying, etc.) If you were bad at maths, or bad at music, or never learnt to drive, or couldn't hold a job, please, please don't project those things onto your child. I look forward to the day when I can say "Hold your head high boy. You're MY son." The balance is to get them accustomed to the idea that being the best will take time and effort. Also, that being the best is not about being BETTER than other people. It is only about you and the task. You should never push someone else down so that you can be "the best". That is a hollow victory.


Love Languages. This is not just for your marriage, it also applies to your children. Each person identifies most strongly with one of these 5 "love languages": Touch, Words of Appreciation, Quality Time, Gifts, and Acts of Service. When your child is very young, be intentional about using all 5 languages to show them your love. As they grow older, be attentive to determine which one they most desire, and give to that. It is selfish to only give out of your love language. There is no point showering them with gifts, when all they want is quality time. Or telling them how great they are, when they just wish you would give them a hug.


Discipline. One simple, yet profound statement, should rule you. "Never discipline in anger."  Forgiveness does not necessitate removal of consequence or restoration of trust, but forgiveness is essential and must be immediate. If you feel injured or upset, DO NOT SPEAK TO YOUR CHILD. Remove yourself immediately until you have dissolved all anger, and found forgiveness. Then return to carry out the correct consequence. Discipline is solely for the purpose of providing guidance. Not to appease your emotions. Under these guidelines, I believe physical punishment is acceptable. If you decide not to use physical punishment, then DO NOT threaten to use it. Be very careful with threats as EVERY promise of punishment must be fulfilled in order to retain respect and trust.


Mutual Respect and Trust underpins every deep relationship, and your parenting is no exception. If you take your two year-old to a dinner party and he makes so much noise that you feel embarrassed, you are not at liberty to discipline him. Just because you are inconvenienced by his actions, does not mean he is being naughty, he is simply being two. By considering his needs as equal in importance to your own, you build mutual respect. This foundation will be shiningly clear (or glaringly missing) when your child becomes a teenager. Closely related to Respect is Trust. You MUST become a man of your word. There is no such thing as a promise, your yes should mean yes and your no should mean no. Every simple thing you say is a contract and should only be broken when necessary with contrition and tact.


Exemplify Righteousness. This is possibly the hardest point of all, and the one that will be failed the most. Right-living is essential during parenthood. Even in the little things. Your child may not realise that you are cheating on your tax return, burning music and movies, or regularly breaking the speed limit, but subconsciously they will pickup on your deceptive ways and you will see it magnified in their lives.


Teach Learning. Schooling is a funny thing. Your child's grades are completely irrelevant. It is, however, essential that your child develops a love for learning. Teach them how to learn, and how to fall in love with a topic. Also teach them to take responsibility for their own learning. There is a big difference between learning and being taught. There are no boring subjects (except OHS) so if your child consistently reports that a certain subject is boring, then you can be sure they have a boring teacher (who either does not love the subject or does not love the kids). You will need to be creative and put some time and effort into helping them learn to love that subject again. If all else fails, consider a different teacher/school. Remember that each formative year is critical. If one stupid teacher wrecks english (or maths, history, etc.) for your child in primary school, they will struggle in that area for the rest of their lives.

Teenagers and Young Adults

Teach Skills. Please don't forget to teach your child how to ride a bike, how to drive, how to shave, how to tie a tie, how to apply for a job, etc. etc. All the countless little things that they really shouldn't have to teach themselves. This helps to give them an edge in life. Don't be lazy. 


Lead Them. Don't just read parenting books, read leadership books. The links between parenting and leadership is worthy of a book on it's own (perhaps I will write it one day). I recommend any books by John Maxwell. Everything that an employee is looking for in a leader, is also what a child wants to see in a parent. The key concepts of mutual respect and trust come into play here. Don't just raise your children, lead them. If you can get this concept, your children will obey and follow you because you inspire them, not just because they are dependant on you.


Analyse your Reaction. Popular Culture is changing quickly. Remember that you shocked your (old, fuddy-duddy) parents with your actions, so don't be surprised when your teenager does something shocking with their appearance, tastes, interests, etc. Before you react, analyse your reaction. How important is it? Consider swallowing your shock and displaying acceptance and tolerance for the sake of your relationship. Begin to prepare yourself now in the knowledge that the world of youth fads will be a shocking place once you are old.


Schedules and Priorities. A person with family, home, and regular job will naturally develop a schedule that suits them. 3 regular meals a day, standard bedtime, wake up early, etc. When your child is a young adult their priorities will be very different to yours. It would be highly counter-productive for them to adopt your schedule, so don't force it on them. They might have their most productive time from 6pm - 11pm, and regularly go to bed after midnight, but that is why Young Adults can get so much done. Appreciate it.




I'm sure there is more I can't think of right now that is probably very important to me. Perhaps I will update this post with more info. But now, I am tired and have work to do before bed. Goodnight.